I've been hanging out with someone who's known me longer than almost anyone...it's a tie between him and mom. He was there when I was born earlier than expected. He might joke about that being the only time in my life when I wasn't late. One true thing about him is that he doesn't talk your ear off. He'll listen for a good long time before he does more than ask a question.
Last week I had a bee in my bonnet about getting a truck. Now, remember, I am driving a nice newish Dodge Caravan. It only has 20,000 miles on it. The gas mileage could be better; but it meets our needs as a family. All the same, I fell in truck love with a taupe F150 at a dealership in town... it is really a beautiful vehicle.
So, I started asking Dad some questions. He drives an F150 and it seems like he gets pretty good gas mileage. We talked about it for a while, and Kevin talked about it for a good long while with me, and I come to the same conclusion every time ~ it's not a good trade.
Last week Dad & I were having breakfast, as we are wont to do almost every week, and he said, "So... tell me what you're thinking about a truck for?"
I said, "Well, it's just a pipe dream. I've always wanted one. I like this one alot; but I know it would be a bad decision. It's not a good value proposition to trade my van for it, and it doesn't get good enough gas mileage, etc. So, I've reached the proper conclusion... it's just something I like to think about."
Dad looked at me for a few seconds and said, "You know what I think? I think that you don't realize it; but with all you've been through this year and all the questions you've had to face, you've made a list in your head. You'll probably never put it on paper; but it's a list in your heart of all the things you want to do in case you run out of time."
Wow. I was floored... how did he do that? He looked right past the superficial question and nailed the real motivation. I'm so thankful to have people in my life who can do that. The ones who help me sort out all the proverbial stuff that I see lying around me that I know is mine; but I don't know where it goes or what to do with it.
Out of that observation from Dad was born a process in me whereby I am starting to understand some of the depth of my emotions and anxieties. I realized that much of my frustration is because I feel this sort of ticking in the back of my head... I want to look around at everyone and ask, "Don't you know I might die young? I may be running out of time! There is so much I want to do before I see Jesus face to face!" I don't say that, usually... although now I have, haven't I?
I did not expect the issue of my own mortality to be such a ball and chain for me. The fact is, none of us was promised more than today. Some of us just feel keenly aware of that reality. I hope it makes me more thankful. More deliberate in my relationships, and more loving to all the people around me... especially my kids and my Kevin.
