Be who you are.

It just rolled out of my mouth one day as I was dropping the kids off with friends. I guess the idea had been tumbling around in my head for a while; but it quickly became an almost signature phrase of mine, and something I mean deeply in so many profound ways.

I tell the kids to be who they are, and I mean for them to be the ones God made them to be. To rise up into my expectant understanding of God's purposes in their hearts and lives. It's not that they aren't sinful and depraved; but as saved persons, they have a new nature and that's what I mean when I tell them to be who they are... it's who they REALLY are.

It's an impactful exhortation for me as an adult as well. In any given moment I can and should ask myself... "Is this who God calls me to be?" or "Is this attitude reflective of the heart in me?" I hope to choose to be who I am in Christ, for it is so much better than who I was before He began His good work in me.

As a girl who is happy beyond words to be in her new home, I want to welcome guests warmly. I want every person who comes through my door to feel like they landed in a generously feathered nest... loved, comfortable, cared for. I want each one to come to our home and do just what the message says...

(Thank you, JP... it's perfect.)

A Holiday Greeting

Blessings to you all, this month as we celebrate that special holy night...

Hello friends, Well... I finally found the camera, charged the batteries and took some good photos of the house. All these are upstairs photos, I haven't gotten downstairs yet... happy looking!

(standing at the front door, looking up to the living, dining, and kitchen.)

(from the piano to the Christmas tree...)

(a view of the livingroom... tapestry above the couch is yet to be hung.)

(refinished parquet hardwood in the kitchen ~ I love the way the sun hits it.)

(a sweet boy doing math at a table in the sunshine)

(where dining meets living)

(Christmas village and stained glass)

(master bedroom with new sidetables from Dad)

Kitchen

Just a couple pics here... you can see the hardwood parquet we had refinished, and the paint colors that were here already ~ how perfect!! We don't love the flowery wallpaper; but it's only on one wall, and I'm not up for tearing down wallpaper! I'll take better pics once we can put our table & chairs on the "new" floor and arrange that room.

Her own space

Well, you know I don't want to post photos until things are "just so" in the pictures... all the same, I've gotten lots of requests for pictures. SO, here is a "teaser" for you... Sweet Gracie in her pink diamond room. She sleeps more soundly than ever before on the bed Grandpa made with the matching nightstand. He told her that it was filled with angels and love, so she's not afraid.

Stay tuned ~ more to come!

Home

It's official! We've signed papers, signed checks, and are in possession of garage door openers! As of this morning, we are first-time home owners, can you believe it?

We're very excited to have this tangible permission to settle. For the kids in particular, this means to relax... to be kids. Mitchell and Sasha have both spoken in terms of "giving their heart" to this place. We kindly remind them to do that carefully, since Heaven is our real home. At the same time, they're kids. And they've been through a lot.

Still, they're aware of God's goodness, I think. We make a point to remind them. Like this morning, when we stopped to gather in a family circle, holding hands and praying thanks to God for this blessing. Would that we had been even more patient and faithful. Praise God that He is perfect patience and faithfulness!!

Come by and see us sometime... we can't WAIT to swing the doors wide open to our dear family and friends.

Self Reflection

Why didn't you tell me I had lost my freshness? Is it possible you didn't notice? On Saturday, I sat and listened to my dear friend, V, as the speaker at a ladies' conference in Wisconsin. Three of us had gone along with her to lead worship at this conference, and received the extra blessing of sitting under her teaching. As she gained momentum in her first talk, I realized that I have lived these past few months with about as much 'verve' as stale bread.

It occurs to me that I lived through the suffering of cancer and in that time I experienced such precious nearness of God, that I became lazy as a follower of Him. Remember that little book called My Heart, Christ's Home? I read it as a teenager and V referred to it in her talk. It is a story where the author has agreed to meet with Jesus each morning, and thus Jesus is there every morning to meet him. Time goes by and life takes over and one day the author realizes that Jesus has been waiting for him each morning; but he, the author, failed to keep that commitment.

It occurs to me, that in my season of physical suffering, Jesus did more than commit to meet me each morning. He came to my "sickroom" and met me where I was, when I had no strength ~ physical or otherwise ~ to bring myself to Him. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have become comfortable with waiting for Him to come to me, only He is not coming to my sickroom anymore because I am not confined to it. No, He is waiting for me to honor my original commitment and make the effort to meet Him.

I apologize, dear friends, for failing to live out my life before you as a LIVING, JOYFUL, THANKFUL daughter of the King. I want every day of my life to stand as a memorial to what God has done and IS DOING in me. Not simply in my physical body, although I am grateful for His touch; but more importantly what He is busy doing in my heart.

I realized this weekend that although my physical suffering has ended, there are emotional remnants of that experience. My emotional insides are like button soup. Do you know that story? I won't tell you here, I just mean that there is a wild concoction of stuff swimming around in my heart and head.

There are heavy, salty flavors from tears shed over relationships forever changed and dreams forever relinquished. In the same taste, there is a rich, velvety sense of God's steady provision and care for me & mine. And finally, I notice a precious aftertaste of joy that we have been given a new dream, a new home, a new vision. God brews a wonderful stew... if I trust HIM to choose the ingredients and don't meddle in His kitchen.

One of the seasonings in this soup that I would not trade is the freshness of my relationships with so many of you. You have not failed to remember us in prayer. You have faithfully read and replied to my many ramblings. You have expected great things from us and called us to keep our faces pointed UP. Thank you.

Point Lake Cabin

We were given the incredible blessing of a weekend up north at friends' cabin... it could not have been more beautiful. We had a great time as a family with lots of canoeing and game playing... thank you, friends!!

Hair... then and now...

Apple Orchard

One of Grandma Vicki's requests for their visit last week was that we find an apple orchard and carry on an Autumnal tradition. I was more than happy to oblige and we had a great time in the corn maze and amongst the apple trees. We'll go back in a few weeks for a wagon ride and some pumpkins, I think.

I have been itching to blog, and yet feeling like I don't know what to write about... there is so much going on in our lives and yet so little to actually say about it - doesn't that frustrate you sometimes?

Anyhow, I thought you might enjoy these photos I took a few weeks ago.  My Gracie decided she wanted to learn to sew.  I found the cut-off portion of some jeans and let her practice making straight seams.  It's a pity the poor girl has to learn sewing from me, since I'm no good at it.  At the same time I'm thankful that she is interested... such a little domestic thing.  I love her.

The List

I've been hanging out with someone who's known me longer than almost anyone...it's a tie between him and mom.  He was there when I was born earlier than expected.  He might joke about that being the only time in my life when I wasn't late.   One true thing about him is that he doesn't talk your ear off.  He'll listen for a good long time before he does more than ask a question.

Last week I had a bee in my bonnet about getting a truck.  Now, remember, I am driving a nice newish Dodge Caravan.  It only has 20,000 miles on it.  The gas mileage could be better; but it meets our needs as a family.  All the same, I fell in truck love with a taupe F150 at a dealership in town... it is really a beautiful vehicle.

So, I started asking Dad some questions.  He drives an F150 and it seems like he gets pretty good gas mileage.  We talked about it for a while, and Kevin talked about it for a good long while with me, and I come to the same conclusion every time ~ it's not a good trade.

Last week Dad & I were having breakfast, as we are wont to do almost every week, and he said, "So... tell me what you're thinking about a truck for?" 

I said, "Well, it's just a pipe dream.  I've always wanted one.  I like this one alot; but I know it would be a bad decision.  It's not a good value proposition to trade my van for it, and it doesn't get good enough gas mileage, etc.  So, I've reached the proper conclusion... it's just something I like to think about."

Dad looked at me for a few seconds and said, "You know what I think?  I think that you don't realize it; but with all you've been through this year and all the questions you've had to face, you've made a list in your head.  You'll probably never put it on paper; but it's a list in your heart of all the things you want to do in case you run out of time."

Wow.  I was floored... how did he do that?  He looked right past the superficial question and nailed the real motivation.  I'm so thankful to have people in my life who can do that.  The ones who help me sort out all the proverbial stuff that I see lying around me that I know is mine; but I don't know where it goes or what to do with it.

Out of that observation from Dad was born a process in me whereby I am starting to understand some of the depth of my emotions and anxieties.  I realized that much of my frustration is because I feel this sort of ticking in the back of my head... I want to look around at everyone and ask, "Don't you know I might die young?  I may be running out of time!  There is so much I want to do before I see Jesus face to face!"  I don't say that, usually... although now I have, haven't I?

I did not expect the issue of my own mortality to be such a ball and chain for me.  The fact is, none of us was promised more than today.  Some of us just feel keenly aware of that reality.  I hope it makes me more thankful.  More deliberate in my relationships, and more loving to all the people around me... especially my kids and my Kevin.

Camping Highlights...part 1

Wow, really? I haven't blogged at ALL since the 24th of June?!?!  Sheesh, I'm sorry.

I've already updated my caring bridge site for today and I don't want to be repetitive so I'll tell you some of the antics of my day yesterday...

I took the kids for a playdate in the morning with the S family... that was fun.  We got home in time for lunch, and it quickly became clear that some of the children were in need of naps.  They laid down and fell quickly to sleep.  I took my Bible study out to the front yard to do some study in the shade near my puppy.

Kodi was not very helpful for studying.... she kept pacing and knocked over my drink & my book basket more times than I can count.  Meanwhile the neighbors are yelling at each other and the traffic on our street seems unusually busy.  I finally decided to go inside when the bugs wouldn't leave me alone and the kids were all awake; but not greatly improved in their moods.

I decided to go back outside and play fetch with puppy.  She LOVES to play fetch with her tennis ball.  So, I threw the ball and she brought it to me.  It rolled away from me, so I was a few steps back when I wound up to throw the ball again.  I threw it, and smacked my beloved puppy RIGHT SQUARE IN THE EYE!!!  She yelped, I yelped, and she ran over to the front porch to hide.  It doesn't seem like she's injured; but I have a call in to the vet anyhow.  

At this point, I'm a crabby mess and the kids are still bickering... constantly...about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.  By the time Kevin came home, Gracie was upset, having picked up on my angst and frustration.  She burst into tears, convinced that she was the source of all my troubles.  Then I burst into tears, convinced I'm going to RUIN this little princess with my insanity.

I made it out the door to Bible study at 5:45, so thankful that I'd made a fresh pot of coffee and borrowed Kevin's travel mug so I could take it with me.  I broke a fingernail trying to open the coffee cup as I drove down the road, and when I got to Bible study and finally got the cup open, I made a nice little oval shaped coffee print on the front of my pink tee shirt.

When my friends asked me how I was, I couldn't even answer... it was the sort of day where everything happens at once and you just can't keep it between the lines.  I am moved by the passage from Psalm 13, which says "Turn and answer me, O LORD my God!  Restore the sparkle to my eyes or I will die."

Someday I'll get that sparkle back.  We miss it.

The difference Mommy makes...

These past weeks have been... hard.  Long.  Infused with too much sibling argument and not enough love.  Too much selfish and not enough everyone else.  I have spent some time thinking about why this is the case, and I can make a list as long as you like... the kids are normal, they're bored, they're competitive, they're sinful, they've been through a lot.  All of these things are true; but most of them are things I can't personally effect in a significant way.

I decided lastnight that what the kids need most is to be important.  They don't know who they are now that we're not on the field.  Goodness, I don't know who I am now that I'm not on the field, and I'm not in treatment.  So I've been thinking... 

Who are they?

• They are my babies... my charge... my unrelenting responsibility... a blessing.
  
• They are brilliant and creative and capable.
  
• They are growing ~ they want to be brought up like a precious planting, not simply allowed to grow like a weed.
  
• They are two young knights-to-be and a princess in the making.

What can I give them?

• My attention.
  
• Responsibilities ~ just their size, so they know the importance of their part in our family.
  
• Togetherness ~ whatever is happening, it's happening TOGETHER.
  

I know, none of this is ground-breaking; but it can change the life, mind, and ~ most of all ~ the heart of a child.  My child.  Each one.

Today we've done chores together around the house, we've been to the grocery store, we've had some summer school, made tonight's dessert, and now they're playing in the sprinkler.

Hmmmm... what a difference a day makes.  Even moreso, what a difference it makes when I am deliberate and proactive in loving these young ones.

How can it be that he is eight years old?  Sasha-my-Sasha, Sasharoni...  This boy who charms my heart and boggles my mind is growing up so fast.  He's become a big boy this year... brave and strong and sometimes edgy, he's complicated.  He's also such a deep and creative thinker, it is rare to be bored in conversation with him. :)  He is one of a kind... Happy Birthday, Sasha... we love you!!!

... but are we ready to serve??

I'm beginning to wonder if there's something I'm supposed to be learning about being part of worship team, and it's fairly discouraging.

At least four times in the last 8 months, I have been asked to sing with the worship team at church.  Most of the time it has been for Sunday morning services, once it was for a special event. Three out of those four times, I have said, "Yes! I'd love to be part of that!" and before it was time to sing, I have fallen ill... too sick to sing.

This has happened again. For the fourth time, a dearly beloved friend has invited me to sing.  I am so thankful for her friendship and so honored that she would invite me... I will always say "yes" when she asks me... if she keeps asking me, that is.  So, I went to rehearsal on Wednesday and I had a bit of scratchy throat; but my voice was fine.

By Friday, my voice was nearly shot... as in ALL GONE.  So, I stopped trying to talk, sing, or even whisper in hopes of salvaging my hopes for Sunday morning.   Alas, it is once again not to be.  This morning I can barely talk... I cannot even BEGIN to sing, and certainly not at the top of my range.

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?!  

It occurs to me, though... don't you think it's weird that I would ask that question about losing my singing voice when I didn't ask it about cancer?  I mean, what's the difference?  Is it that I feel somehow entitled to my singing voice?  Like, since it's a gift God once gave me that means it's mine now and I get to use it whenever I want to?  I don't know.  

Befire cancer I never thought of my health that way, as a gift that I am entitled to enjoy.  On the other hand, no one ever praised or complimented me on my HEALTH, for crying outloud.

And Pride rears his ugly head.  oooh, ouch ~ I'm really quite ugly myself.

So, I don't get to sing tomorrow.  Another beautiful friend with a one-of-a-kind voice and the humility to match it has offered to step in... I hope that works out.

Are we ready to serve?

I was grocery shopping at Wal-mart this morning and I found myself in the checkout line behind an endearing young-ish mother with her two little kids. The oldest one was about 4, with an adorable little yamuka (sp?) on his head. The mom spoke with a very slight, but noticeable-to-me accent.  

She turned to the cashier and asked, "Please, can you tell me... what is ammonia?"

The cashier smirked and said, "It's some strooooong stuff!"

The sweet lady looked confused - this was NOT a helpful answer.

I interrupted and said, "It's a cleaning chemical."

She went on to explain that she has a problem with her garbage disposal and the plummer says it's fine, but it stinks, etc...

I told her that one can buy such a thing as disposal cleaner and she was happy to know this.  She turned back to the cashier and asked, "Could you have someone bring that for me please?"

Now, I realize that is a fairly odd request... but she was obviously not in a great position to run back for something.  Anyhow, the clerk veritably sneered at her and just stammered around until I interrupted and said, "I'll go get it.  Can you just watch my bag and I'll go get it for you?"

They were dumbfounded, but I ran off to get it and not hold up the show too long.  I returned to the line, disposal cleaner in hand, and gave it to her.  She just kept saying, "thank you... thank you really SO much."  I just told her it was no problem, and really we should all be more ready to help each other.

A few seconds later, I received my reward for this small thing... I asked her before she left if she didn't mind telling me where she was from.  Her accent was beautiful.  She smiled, and said, "Well, actually I was born in Ukraine." 

I knew it!  Her accent was so beautiful and I was just drawn to her.  She asked if I spoke russian and we preceded to chat a little bit while the clerk worked on my cartful.  She is from Vinnitsa, Ukraine and seemed so impacted by the fact that I know where that is.  She gave me her phone number so that we could visit a bit more and she can connect me with the other russian speakers in town.

Isn't God so good? He keeps giving me these little moments to visit with women of russian or ukrainian descent... what a blessing.  I love how He does that.

Flylady

Have you heard of the Flylady?  She has a website where she helps people like me get control of the domestic monster that is called my home.  Hopefully, if you've been to our home as a guest, you haven't FELT like you were visiting a monstrous environment.  All the same, I am TERRIBLE at keeping my house in order.  I am definitely more of a binge-and-purge housekeeper and I just don't like that.  I don't like it that my kids aren't learning to take care of things or pick up after themselves and I know it's largely my example that has poisoned them in this regard.

After several perusals of the site I mentioned above, I have signed up!  I have joined the club, and I am now a "Flybaby"... isn't that funny?  I like the idea that someone is giving me day-by-day instructions to get me in the habit of being an orderly woman.  On one hand it seems silly and unnecessary... on the other hand, anything that works is a good system for me!!    It's not that our home is wall-to-wall messes... but it still feels overwhelmingly crowded and disorganized.  I like systems, and I like baby steps.

So, it all starts with a shiny sink... who knew? It turns out that just keeping the sink clean and shiny usually means the kitchen is mostly useable and I can at least get things up and running.  Each day for the next month I get a slew (and I mean a WHOLE BUNCH) of emails from the Flylady... some I delete, some I skim through, and some I print out for reading and marking up.  In any case, it's a start.  I feel excited about trusting the process on this one... committing myself to do what is my assignment for the day and then only do the additional tasks that I can manage.

Have You Seen Me Anywhere?

When I was a kid, the Christian Book Store had a little poster of a kitty or puppy or something looking forlorn and loveable.  The caption said, "I'm in search of myself - have you seen me anywhere?"  

I'm feeling a bit like that critter this week.  Not especially sad or depressed... just unsure.  Do you ever feel that way? It's nothing different from what I've written about in the past few weeks... more of the same, really.  I don't know how to do this!  It feels like someone just threw the "back to normal life" switch only I don't know how to run the machinery anymore!  Today I've settled for just doing a few of the things that are obviously waiting for my attention... laundry, dishes, etc.

I'm hoping that a few days (weeks?) of just walking through these tasks will help me to feel like they belong to me, like this is my place and I can settle in.  Ah, yes - that brings me to another topic I hope to write about later today or this evening.  For now... the dryer just buzzed.  See you later... and if you find me wandering around someplace, point me toward home, okay?

It's VBS week at church - yay!  Happily, I am able to be a helper for the preschool group leaders.  Mostly I'm just a "go-fer"... but I enjoy making it easier for others and just being generally helpful.    At the same time, I'm tired!  It's good exercise for me, running around church for a variety of reasons.  The kids are having a great time, and it feels good to do something "normal."

I had a Herceptin infusion this afternoon.  They were kind enough on Gonda 10 to allow me to come in at 3pm instead of my scheduled 9am appointment.  This meant I got to go to the first day of VBS instead of having Kevin fill in for me.  Anyhow, it was - strangely - nice to be up there again.  I know that must seem so strange.  It's not as though I WANT to do chemotherapy again - never ever, thank you very much - but I guess I feel a little more sure of who I am and what I'm doing up there than I do in most other settings.  Hmmm... sounds like there's some processing to do, huh?

Verse for today

Occasionally during his quiet time, Kevin finds a verse that is particularly impactful and this is the one he read to me today...

Наше же жителство - на небесах, откуда мы ожидаем и Спасителя, Господа нашего Иисуса Христа!!
- к Филиппийцам 3:20

Don't worry, if that text looks like who-knows-what on your screen. I typed it in russian because it is just so moving to the heart...but only if you understand russian! :) In english it goes like this...

"Our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a savior, the Lord Jesus Christ."

~ Philippians 3:20

It makes me think of the words to a russian hymn that is one of our favorites...

Heaven waits for me.

Unearthly joy waits for me.

There will be a meeting with Jesus Christ,

Holy Spirit, and Father of Heaven.

And a crown!  Of course, a crown!

That which the Father has prepared for me!!

May we live each day with that perspective.  As Pastor Todd says - look up!  I add to that, Heaven waits for us!  Let us live and love and serve one another with that in mind.

Our own Sherwood Forest

Our kids have recently fallen in love with the BBC's Robin Hood series. They've watched an entire season so far, and it has set their imaginations aflight. I decided to inaugerate my new vintage sewing machine this week on remnant pieces of fleece for them. Here is the grand result...

I received a card in the mail this week with the most wonderful scripture inside. My dear friend, J, had been waiting to bless me with those verses when the time was right. The passage is Isaiah 38:10-20...

You restored me to health and let me live.

Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.

In your love, you kept me from the pit of destruction, you have put all my sins behind your back.  For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise, those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.

The living, the living - they praise you as I am doing today!

Fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.

The Lord will save me and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the Lord!

J was right... the sheer joy and celebration of this passage are wonderful!  Even more resonant to me, though, is the quote she wrote on the back of the card:

In the midst of winter

I found in me an

invincible summer.

~Camus

Twins' Game

On Tuesday of this week, we went up to celebrate "E-Free Night at the 'Dome". We had such a great time, especially the kids since they had never been inside the metrodome. Gracie & I shared some cotton candy, and the boys shared a sno-cone. Kev & Sasha tried to invoke the power of the rally cap; but it didn't come through and the Twins lost. Bummer... oh well, it was a great memory making evening. Special thanks to the O family who gave this family gift to us.