Self Reflection

Why didn't you tell me I had lost my freshness? Is it possible you didn't notice? On Saturday, I sat and listened to my dear friend, V, as the speaker at a ladies' conference in Wisconsin. Three of us had gone along with her to lead worship at this conference, and received the extra blessing of sitting under her teaching. As she gained momentum in her first talk, I realized that I have lived these past few months with about as much 'verve' as stale bread.

It occurs to me that I lived through the suffering of cancer and in that time I experienced such precious nearness of God, that I became lazy as a follower of Him. Remember that little book called My Heart, Christ's Home? I read it as a teenager and V referred to it in her talk. It is a story where the author has agreed to meet with Jesus each morning, and thus Jesus is there every morning to meet him. Time goes by and life takes over and one day the author realizes that Jesus has been waiting for him each morning; but he, the author, failed to keep that commitment.

It occurs to me, that in my season of physical suffering, Jesus did more than commit to meet me each morning. He came to my "sickroom" and met me where I was, when I had no strength ~ physical or otherwise ~ to bring myself to Him. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have become comfortable with waiting for Him to come to me, only He is not coming to my sickroom anymore because I am not confined to it. No, He is waiting for me to honor my original commitment and make the effort to meet Him.

I apologize, dear friends, for failing to live out my life before you as a LIVING, JOYFUL, THANKFUL daughter of the King. I want every day of my life to stand as a memorial to what God has done and IS DOING in me. Not simply in my physical body, although I am grateful for His touch; but more importantly what He is busy doing in my heart.

I realized this weekend that although my physical suffering has ended, there are emotional remnants of that experience. My emotional insides are like button soup. Do you know that story? I won't tell you here, I just mean that there is a wild concoction of stuff swimming around in my heart and head.

There are heavy, salty flavors from tears shed over relationships forever changed and dreams forever relinquished. In the same taste, there is a rich, velvety sense of God's steady provision and care for me & mine. And finally, I notice a precious aftertaste of joy that we have been given a new dream, a new home, a new vision. God brews a wonderful stew... if I trust HIM to choose the ingredients and don't meddle in His kitchen.

One of the seasonings in this soup that I would not trade is the freshness of my relationships with so many of you. You have not failed to remember us in prayer. You have faithfully read and replied to my many ramblings. You have expected great things from us and called us to keep our faces pointed UP. Thank you.