I've got something on my mind and I've been thinking about how to explain for the past few days. I've been thinking about what it means and how it feels to be coming up on 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The way I see it, there are two different approaches.
Some people feel like their diagnosis is like an earthquake. It shakes their world; but they deal with it and as they slowly creep out from the epicenter, they walk stronger and straighter as they get further out. There is a relief and return to even a new normal that comes as they expand the distance between the "now" and their D-day. For these people, there is celebration in marking another year past diagnosis.
Others look on their diagnosis like a mortar shell. It explodes and shakes their foundation; but they ride it out and watch the sky for 'incoming'. For these, the distance from 'ground zero' isn't such a comfort. They tiptoe out from that distinct point, wondering how far they'll get into their new reality before another shell hits. That's the thing about mortars, they're rarely isolated.
I've begun to realize that I'm the second type of person. I am able to celebrate the fact that today there is no known cancer in my body, and I do thank God for this. Still, it's almost as though the longer this is true, the closer I am to recurrence. I expect it. The problem is, that's no way to live: on heightened alert, and in fear each day of having your world blown apart again. Can you ride it out once again or will it be your undoing? And where did all that faith you called upon the first time around disappear to?
What I'm sure of is that God doesn't want me to be afraid. He has not given me a spirit of fear. At the same time, He also never promised that the things I'm most afraid of wouldn't happen, and that scares me. Inside my mind faith and fear are at war. My heart is torn, and I get lost sometimes. Still, my God gently reminds me to believe Him. I need to remember the Truth that was so real to me when my ears were still ringing from the blast. I want to believe fully. Bigger. Deeper. Completely.
2 comments:
Amen, Emma, I hear you. I just gave my mother a book that she loves and so do I, "What Cancer Cannot Do", by Inspirio (publishing co), i.e., ...It cannot cripple God's love... etc. I highly recommend it.
love, Bonnie
Emma -
I can understand your perspective...it makes sense. I am thankful that God is speaking to you and working through you. Your words here have been an encouragement and example to me. I am praying with you. I love you very much.
Karrot
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